to all those who have left such lovely comments so far thank you. you are the reason i keep writing.Chapter 3.
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you'd have thought i would have felt weird or guilty or something about completely cutting my family out of my life. and to be honest i thought it would have been weird, and i would've felt guilty but i didn't and still don't. does that make me a bad person? i guess it affected me more than i thought it would. so i went to find the one person who would always be there for me, and who supported me no matter what. Sara had given me her cell phone number right from the beginning, so i gave her a call. that phone call was a very long one, and we talked a lot, we talked everything through, or rather i talked and she listened; no interrupting, no parenting, no lecturing, and no making me feel bad. when i had finished my huge vent, she talked to me, and told me that no matter what my decision had been, i would have felt guilty either way, whether i left or whether i stayed. it's weird, i don't know how she does it, but somehow Sara always manages to say exactly the right thing to me, and i wish i could do that, but somehow i don't think i ever will, but who knows maybe in the future things will change, maybe i'll change.
but not everything could be solved over the phone, it's easy to say things to someone else, to say what they think you want to hear when you're not actually talking to them face to face. over the phone you can never tell whether they genuinely mean the things they say, or whether they are just saying things to make you feel better and get you off the phone. it's not that i don't trust Sara, i do, i really do, it's just that i guess there's still a small part of me that doesn't believe that someone could be so friendly when they hardly know you. i guess something in my voice alerted Sara to some insecurity because she invited me to come see her. even though she meant every word sincerely and genuinely, but she knew i had to hear them face to face to truly believe that she meant them.
a few days later...
i drove to Las Vegas PD to meet up with Sara. i was nervous, i don't know why, after all i had known her for a while, and had met up with her to talk a lot, especially during the early days, when i had no self belief, or self confidence, and didn't believe i was special, or that i was important, or that i mattered to anybody. somehow some of those old feelings began to creep into my head again, as i was waiting for Sara, and i felt that everyone in the PD was looknig at me. as i was walking to the front desk, head down, i bumped into someone. i looked up and said i was sorry, expecting a lecture, or for them to have a go at me for not looking where i was going. but he didn't, i guess he realised how scared i looked. he merely accepted my apology, and asked why i was there. i told him my name, and that i was waiting for Sara Sidle. "well Brooke, it's nice to meet you, my name is Jim Brass, i actually work with Sara from time to time. but she'll probably be at the crime lab at this time, i can give you a lift if you want." "it's ok" i said "Sara said she'll meet me here". i then heard a ringing sound coming from my pocket. "excuse me" i said to Jim. "hello?". Sara's voice came through the phone; "hey brooke, listen i'm running a little late, work's really hectic so..." "it's fine i get it, you don't want to see me, i guess i should've known it was too good to be true. don't worry i'm used to it. i'll just go home, and that way you can get on with your life and forget about me. bye." "no brooke..." but it was too late, i had already hung up, and started walking out the PD. i got in my car and started driving towards home.
back at PD...
Jim's phone started to ring, and Sara's name came up on caller ID. "hey Sara, what's up?" "listen Jim, i was meant to meet up with someone at PD in a little bit, but i'm running late, and when i told her she hung up on me and now she's not answering her cell. i know it sounds stupid but i'm worried about her, she doesn't have anyone else." "ah, yeah that would explain the storm out." "she was there?" "yeah, we sort of bumped into each other, literally." "oh no. ok listen Jim, i need you to find her, and bring her here to the lab, i need to talk to her. i'm just tied up with a case right now, but it's really important that i talk to her." "ok, ok, Sara i'm going, she didn't leave too long ago so i can probably catch her." "thanks Jim, i owe you one." they hung up, and Jim left the PD and walked out following the direction that i had taken earlier.
back in the car park...
through my rearview mirror i saw Jim coming out the PD, and immediately put my fot on the gas and drove off towards home as quick as i could. to be honest i'm not sure if he saw me, or even if i was the reason he had left the PD. all i knew was that once again i was on my own, and this time it meant i was truly alone, i had no-one to look out for me, no-one to talk to or turn to. and for the first time in my life i was truly scared, and started to cry. i tried rubbing my tears away, and trying to stop them, there was no way i was going to let what Sara had done get to me, after all it had happened before with other people and i never got upset before, so why should this time be any different? but in my heart i knew it was different. Sara was the first and only person i had trused in my entire life, and she had deserted me. the tears wouldn't stop, so i pulled over, and stopped the car. i knew if i was going to get passed this i had to cut all ties. i got out my cell phone and sent this text to Sara:
hey Sara, thank you for everything you've done for me. i just wanted to say sorry for what i said to you earlier, and for hanging up. i get that you don't want to talk to me anymore, and i understand why. you made me believe in myself again, if only for a little while, and i will never forget what you did for me. but i know i can't depend on you forever, so this is it. you can erase me now, erase my numer, erase my name, erase everything about me from your life. you'll be better off. thank you and goodbye. brooke.after another few minutes, the tears had stopped falling, and once again i was alone and on the road. where before i had one person in my life and in my cell phonebook, i now once again had no-one. i guess i'm used to it, and something told me in my head and in my heart that i would be alone forever.
TBC? if you want...
